How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
