mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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