Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
