Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
