There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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