i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
