She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
