Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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