I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
