I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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