Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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