batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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