Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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