i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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