well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
