I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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