you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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