Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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