I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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