What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
