I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
