I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
