If i come over, it means nothing
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
