even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
