How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think my moral compass just broke
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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