i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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