She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize