I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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