As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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