She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
