Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
the raccoons are back...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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