Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
