I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
