Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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