Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
