make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Houston, we have a blender
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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