I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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