Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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