Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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