Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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