I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
