Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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