Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
