The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
