WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
