i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
