Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
