So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
