i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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