his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
