Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
