we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
